My First 25 Days In Melbourne

The world is clearly very much your oyster rather than your myki.

I write this with my aircon on full blast, thongs on my feet, vegemite toast in hand. That’s right, folks, I’ve been living in Australia for 25 days now. Tomorrow I’ll be starting my first week studying at the University of Melbourne so I thought I’d reflect on a few things I’ve learned from these first few weeks here…

You can burn through clouds. Perhaps basic knowledge, but, alas, took me a few days to realise. There’s also some crazy levels of UV round here, which just makes all that skin radiation and burning even more jolly.

The smile of someone who does not realise they'll look like Rudolf the next day.

An emu’s foot could rip your heart out. Just a generally good thing to know.

Some things only sound good in an Australian accent. Including but not limited too: How you going? (Asked by every shop assistant as soon as your foot steps through the doorway). Esky. (Ice box). Arvo (afternoon). Crikey. (Yet to hear anyone say this un-ironically). Prahran. (A suburb of Melbourne that magically is only one syllable when said by a local.) If you try to pull any of these off as a foreigner, your visa may be revoked.

Australian Dollars are real currency and should not be treated like Monopoly money (unfortunately). It has, admittedly, taken me 25 days, and many shopping trips to fully accept that.

Boomerangs are actually a hoax. Yep, I actually don’t believe anyone has ever managed to get it to come back.

Yep, not one of these boomerangs came back.

Kneeling on a surf board can feel like the biggest accomplishment in your life. Yes, I never actually managed to get to my feet, or stay on the board for more than a few seconds. But kneeling on the board seemed like a huge improvement after spending most of the session clinging desperately on it whilst lying on my tummy like a terrified pancake.

House hunting is a bitch. Because most Aussies live at home, there doesn’t seem to be as many student house shares for internationals as there would be in England, making it a pretty savage process. At one viewing I went to I was greeted by Australians sitting around glaring at me saying ‘not someone else with an accent…’ Nuff said.

(Almost) everything here can kill you. Some of the deadliest species on earth are sharing this country with me right now. Meaning I have had many moments of having to tell myself no, that ant is not a giant bull ant about to crawl into your sandal and bite you. That’s a shadow not a sting ray. That’s a rock not a shark.

Air Brunei has a multicolour light show before landing, because why land in normal lighting if you can land in a rainbow?

It is possible to watch Stranger Things Season 1 in a day. With the help of Netflix on your ipad and a flight from London to Melbourne, (with stop overs in Dubai and Brunei), it can in fact be done. Expecting the phone call from Guinness World Records any. day. now.

Myki is the more stressed out, sunburnt cousin of the Oyster card. The Underground is a complex system, but most people manage to navigate it with the help of Oysters. The Aussie version, known as Myki seems to have thrown all logic out the tram window. You have to tap on, except you have to remind yourself to do so as there’s no barriers. However, you don’t have to tap on in some areas known as the ‘free’ areas. Except they’re not actually free because if you tap on you get charged anyway. You are told to tap off. But it doesn’t seem to always make a difference if you do or don’t, and most locals don’t seem to bother. The world is clearly very much your oyster rather than your myki.

The longest streets in the world are all here. Ok, I don’t know if that’s true. But I’m ready to bet it might be. Melbournians seem to think it makes the most sense to have extremely long streets that cross multiple suburbs and can have huge park right in the middle, and keep the numbers going to a million rather than just split it into a few shorter streets… Looking at you, Lygon and Drummond.

View from Naked for Satan, Fitzroy. (You do not have to be a nudist nor in a Satanic cult).

It’s illegal to drink in public places or on transport. But perfectly fine if it’s in a park. Did Australians miss the memo on the idea of a wholesome family park? They obviously think it would be better to have it covered with people drinking coz they have nowhere else to go.

A very accurate depiction.

A rubber glove is a valid costume idea. We’re cockatoos, okay!

Getting to that central position did involve narrowly missing kicking a woman in the face with my socked feet.

A huge carpet is the most relaxing place ever (and has the added bonus of making you feel like a giant). Courtesy of the National Gallery of Victoria, this giant landscape carpet is the best place ever for a cheeky nap in public.

White Night.

Walking through a city with millions of other people whilst lights are blasted on famous buildings is simultaneously really cool and really weird. Aka White Night, where the roads are cleared and everyone walks around going to events the whole night. Still not over the feeling of standing right in the middle of one of the busiest roads in Melbourne.

Another rooftop because why not.

The best place to have a drink is always on a rooftop. After this trip, I’ll never be able to go back to getting drinks with friends in an underground bar in London. I’ll just have to climb onto the stinky grey roof with my umbrella and my drink and hang out up there instead.